American Southern Rock Music Night

So,

 I can't feel my fingers now that I'm back inside after taking my dog out its like minus 20 Celse' out. I figured I'd only be a minute. He'd only have to go number one.   
       Then the weed kicks in and I'm feeling pretty venturous. So I start to walk the tightly packed, snowy side streets near my walk up apartment building.  I'm thinking "dog's gonna love this, I'm actually making an effort to walk him longer than 5 minutes!" I'm Canadian I can't even feel the bitter sting of the wind slapping my cheeks or the numbing in the rush of blood through my fingertips.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?! Not only is it cold as fuck, but I think my dad was right.
    Somehow "after only 10 minutes of being exposed to the cold, my fingers must have gotten frost bite. That's my little overprotective paranoia microchip in my head ringing my fathers words.  My Dad had it verbally installed in me from the moment of my birth i think.  Unfortunately after my sister moved out west, the chip seems to have doubled in size. Love' my Dad dearly but I shoulder a heavy burden being the youngest. He might just be the only person on earth who'll ever almost get me.

I turn around, curling my fingers in fists up under my jacket sleeves. I gotta run back. "Cmon' Boy, let's go!" He loves to run. This will be good exercise. But wouldn't ya know it the wind picks up and I'm cursing the dog cuz he's trying to blaze off on his own journey of sniffing every piece of NOTHING and pulling like a sonovabitch in the process.  Ay yuy yuy!
     You may ask yourself....why do I have a dog if I don't like walking him. Well, the answer is simple. I didn't think it through enough. I was selfish. It was all good in the summers but everytime winter comes around it sucks. I should really use it as time to reflect and relax, but it's just too damn cold.  Really though, he's the other half of my heartbeat. I don't care how corny that sounds we are like one. Our bond is strong and I can't ever surrender it. So we finally make it up the path and through the echoey lobby and my footsteps stomp the stairs and Tuckers nails click all through the corridor that leads to my warm apartment. Home.

     My girlfriend brought up the subject of moving in again this afternoon. We've been dating since October of last year. She wants to save money and thinks moving in with a roomate is the answer. It's not a bad idea. I just don't know if I'm able to say goodbye to my dog. It'd certainly save me money on a monthly basis and it would be nice to not have to bus back and forth to each others apartments. She currently lives with her cat. Whom my dog wants to kill. My Dogs not vicious or anything but he hates cats and squirrels and birds. The fear of God used to literally enter my heart when I walked him. That was until I discovered the "Halty."  I need Ceasar Milan big time.
      So, I was weighing the options back and forth while having my bath tonight. Get rid of Tucker (who's staring at me dead in the eye and wlaking over to the Bubblebath to lick my face. Ohhhhh! frig! The cat she has can't go because he's equally amazing. He is seriously the cutest cat I've ever seen. Not just in looks (although he is damn handsome) but he plays fetch, hide and go seek, sleeps on my back(I secretly love this),makes my girlfriend jealous cuz when I'm over he favors me. (shrugs her shoulders blamelessly)

I need more water. I have a mountain of Eska bottles in my kitchen. There could be a homeless guy under all that plastic for all I know.  Back! I'm head bobbling to Alman Brothers band. Tonight's American Southern Rock Music Night for me.
    So the verdict still isn't in on this moving in thing. I know it sounds hardhearted but I'm a fan of honesty and I know what every unbiased woman would think. "What if it doesn't work out and you've lost your lover AND your best buddy (Tucker). I've always found extreme difficulty in making decisions. Whether its which colour of shirt to buy or  what my career path is going to be.  Most of the time I take all day to decide and once I've made a decision spend long amounts of time analizing my decision and pointing out all its flaws. Or I don't ever make the decision and either someone else makes it for me or I take myself out of the eqation completely by running from the decision. Thomas Merton Said: "We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves".  That's what I always try to do for myself. Most times I'm repeating my mistakes over and over like a scratch in a record. I use every ounce of energy to make them but I find myself going in circles for the most part. I need to re-evaluate my decision making process. I'm wandering around waiting to wake up but time keeps passing by.  H.W. Andrews said: "Not all of your decisions will be correct. None of us is perfect. But if you get into the habit of making decisions, experience will develop your judgment to a point where more and more of your decisions will be right. After all, it is better to be right 51 percent of the time and get something done, than it is to get nothing done because you fear to reach a decision." That one really inspired me.

......Buuuuuuut I still don't know which decision to make. I need more time. I just hope I think it through carefully and not dream away my time as usual.

I don't wan't the world to make decisions for me. So I refuse to decide on what is strickly practical. Is life going to be uphill the whole way. Where do you peak? and when do you know if you're "over the hill?"

Another decision bequeaths me this weekend. I have to decide whether or not to visit a friend in a nearby city. I took the time off work months ago and my Dad said he'd watch the dog.  Now its two days till showtime and he rings me up and says out of the blue that he isn't watching my dog because he had to help me with my rent last month and its like a slap in the face that I'm waisting money on booze and trips. He's right I guess. But why wait till now after I've already booked off time from work anyway. I'm losing out of the money I would have made anyways. I'm not learning a life altering lesson. If anything it's pushing me farther from him and making me want to go even more.

     I deserve a break from this mundane routine and city. Sometimes you just have to do something nice for yourself. Even if youre broke. Even if you've got a penny to your name. Go get your damn shoes shined. I'm livin in the moment and I'll deal with the consequences on my own this time. I need to branch out from daddy's arms. Make my own decisions in order to grow as a person. Otherwise, I'll just be someone else. I understand that everything needs moderation. So, I reward myself with this trip. Then no more going out the rest of the month. Hopefully my girlfriend meant what she said about watching my dog if I didn't have anyone else. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. It's almost 2 am and I feel as though I haven't slept in years literally and figuratively.

Tomorrow I'll play the game called work.  I might get some good tips or I might miss my bus and be late AGAIN.  I'll end the night by leaving you this song about not letting people shape you, break you or snake you.

I'll Never Be Sorry

Who knew pj's without panties could feel so liberating.......

     I suppose people have been doing it forever but I could never bring myself to.  My mother always made me wear panties to bed as a little girl. Why did she do that, I wonder? I think its even unhealthy to wear em to bed. My new girlfriend turned me onto it. She often sleeps naked which to me is like totally foreign. I just graduated to no panties. Baby steps. I'm weary of this chafing. I may never stop masturbating. Hi, welcome to my blog. I wanted to start with a glimpse into my daily life, but as it seems its too "nightly" outside right now. So we'll just have to wait to see what tomorrow brings my way. I'm 24 and I work at a popular sea food chain restaurant full-time in Ottawa Ontario. I use the term full-time loosely because they never actually give me full time hours. I end up having to pickup shifts off people to bank any sort of a paycheque it seems like these days.  I live alone with my dog and see my girlfriend as much as I can.

I don't go to church obviously as I was baptised catholic before I discovered I had a vagina. I wonder if I can be unbaptized. If not, that is a crock of horse shit! I'm too lazy to look that shit up. Nor do I care. I don't know if I even believe in God. I'm working on believeing in myself these days. I'm kind of an alcohol abuser. (My Boss had a sit down with me about that a few weeks back. Yikes! But I'll never be sorry. More about him and my love life to come.) You would be too if you saw my place of work.  Ever see one of those movies like "Waiting" or "Slammin Salmon?" That's my life. That's any waitor/waitress' life. They want us to call ourselves "servers" but nobody wants to be labelled as anyones slave. At least thats how I feel. So anyways, back to serving drunk most days. If I had a nickel. Seriously, every morning shift you got your typical serving staff crew. There's me and all the other alchy's that work full time and have nothing else really going for us in our lives so we drink almost every night. This leaves little money for Rent and bills and we're constantly bumming smokes off one another. So we roll up in our cabs....cuz we can't ever get out of bed on time having not entered bed until 4 am at the earliest the previous night. Usually we're running in tryna iron our shirts and be on the floor for the 15 minute check in rule. That never works. Heaven forbid you get a stain on your shirt from your "must have" tim hortons double double. Thats gonna cost you a walk over to Zellers for a new shirt. Or you can try snagging someone elses from the change room that isnt an equal slob or 500 sizes too big for you. Once the day kicks off hopefully youre in a low maintenance section with someone other than one of the keener staff. My keener staff I mean the die hards. The ass kissers, the I need to support my 3 children on a waitress paycheque staff. You get one of them and youre still tanked form the night b4 and youre cooked. You better haul ass or sit the fuck down because you ain't makin any money otherwise. The perfect day would be like two rotations no babies or immigrants in my section and somebody orders a lobster so my boss can see how amazing an upseller I am. K we'll talk more tomorrow.

    Jersey Shore is probably up online now. Ya I beat that basic cable system with online tv. Channels 1 to 28 Fuck You Rogers cutting me off right before MuchMusic then expecting me to know what went down on the shore for Snookie's appearance on Ellen the next morning. I'll Take That Dare!