American Southern Rock Music Night

So,

 I can't feel my fingers now that I'm back inside after taking my dog out its like minus 20 Celse' out. I figured I'd only be a minute. He'd only have to go number one.   
       Then the weed kicks in and I'm feeling pretty venturous. So I start to walk the tightly packed, snowy side streets near my walk up apartment building.  I'm thinking "dog's gonna love this, I'm actually making an effort to walk him longer than 5 minutes!" I'm Canadian I can't even feel the bitter sting of the wind slapping my cheeks or the numbing in the rush of blood through my fingertips.

WHAT WAS I THINKING!?!?! Not only is it cold as fuck, but I think my dad was right.
    Somehow "after only 10 minutes of being exposed to the cold, my fingers must have gotten frost bite. That's my little overprotective paranoia microchip in my head ringing my fathers words.  My Dad had it verbally installed in me from the moment of my birth i think.  Unfortunately after my sister moved out west, the chip seems to have doubled in size. Love' my Dad dearly but I shoulder a heavy burden being the youngest. He might just be the only person on earth who'll ever almost get me.

I turn around, curling my fingers in fists up under my jacket sleeves. I gotta run back. "Cmon' Boy, let's go!" He loves to run. This will be good exercise. But wouldn't ya know it the wind picks up and I'm cursing the dog cuz he's trying to blaze off on his own journey of sniffing every piece of NOTHING and pulling like a sonovabitch in the process.  Ay yuy yuy!
     You may ask yourself....why do I have a dog if I don't like walking him. Well, the answer is simple. I didn't think it through enough. I was selfish. It was all good in the summers but everytime winter comes around it sucks. I should really use it as time to reflect and relax, but it's just too damn cold.  Really though, he's the other half of my heartbeat. I don't care how corny that sounds we are like one. Our bond is strong and I can't ever surrender it. So we finally make it up the path and through the echoey lobby and my footsteps stomp the stairs and Tuckers nails click all through the corridor that leads to my warm apartment. Home.

     My girlfriend brought up the subject of moving in again this afternoon. We've been dating since October of last year. She wants to save money and thinks moving in with a roomate is the answer. It's not a bad idea. I just don't know if I'm able to say goodbye to my dog. It'd certainly save me money on a monthly basis and it would be nice to not have to bus back and forth to each others apartments. She currently lives with her cat. Whom my dog wants to kill. My Dogs not vicious or anything but he hates cats and squirrels and birds. The fear of God used to literally enter my heart when I walked him. That was until I discovered the "Halty."  I need Ceasar Milan big time.
      So, I was weighing the options back and forth while having my bath tonight. Get rid of Tucker (who's staring at me dead in the eye and wlaking over to the Bubblebath to lick my face. Ohhhhh! frig! The cat she has can't go because he's equally amazing. He is seriously the cutest cat I've ever seen. Not just in looks (although he is damn handsome) but he plays fetch, hide and go seek, sleeps on my back(I secretly love this),makes my girlfriend jealous cuz when I'm over he favors me. (shrugs her shoulders blamelessly)

I need more water. I have a mountain of Eska bottles in my kitchen. There could be a homeless guy under all that plastic for all I know.  Back! I'm head bobbling to Alman Brothers band. Tonight's American Southern Rock Music Night for me.
    So the verdict still isn't in on this moving in thing. I know it sounds hardhearted but I'm a fan of honesty and I know what every unbiased woman would think. "What if it doesn't work out and you've lost your lover AND your best buddy (Tucker). I've always found extreme difficulty in making decisions. Whether its which colour of shirt to buy or  what my career path is going to be.  Most of the time I take all day to decide and once I've made a decision spend long amounts of time analizing my decision and pointing out all its flaws. Or I don't ever make the decision and either someone else makes it for me or I take myself out of the eqation completely by running from the decision. Thomas Merton Said: "We must make the choices that enable us to fulfill the deepest capacities of our real selves".  That's what I always try to do for myself. Most times I'm repeating my mistakes over and over like a scratch in a record. I use every ounce of energy to make them but I find myself going in circles for the most part. I need to re-evaluate my decision making process. I'm wandering around waiting to wake up but time keeps passing by.  H.W. Andrews said: "Not all of your decisions will be correct. None of us is perfect. But if you get into the habit of making decisions, experience will develop your judgment to a point where more and more of your decisions will be right. After all, it is better to be right 51 percent of the time and get something done, than it is to get nothing done because you fear to reach a decision." That one really inspired me.

......Buuuuuuut I still don't know which decision to make. I need more time. I just hope I think it through carefully and not dream away my time as usual.

I don't wan't the world to make decisions for me. So I refuse to decide on what is strickly practical. Is life going to be uphill the whole way. Where do you peak? and when do you know if you're "over the hill?"

Another decision bequeaths me this weekend. I have to decide whether or not to visit a friend in a nearby city. I took the time off work months ago and my Dad said he'd watch the dog.  Now its two days till showtime and he rings me up and says out of the blue that he isn't watching my dog because he had to help me with my rent last month and its like a slap in the face that I'm waisting money on booze and trips. He's right I guess. But why wait till now after I've already booked off time from work anyway. I'm losing out of the money I would have made anyways. I'm not learning a life altering lesson. If anything it's pushing me farther from him and making me want to go even more.

     I deserve a break from this mundane routine and city. Sometimes you just have to do something nice for yourself. Even if youre broke. Even if you've got a penny to your name. Go get your damn shoes shined. I'm livin in the moment and I'll deal with the consequences on my own this time. I need to branch out from daddy's arms. Make my own decisions in order to grow as a person. Otherwise, I'll just be someone else. I understand that everything needs moderation. So, I reward myself with this trip. Then no more going out the rest of the month. Hopefully my girlfriend meant what she said about watching my dog if I didn't have anyone else. I'll sleep on it and see how I feel in the morning. It's almost 2 am and I feel as though I haven't slept in years literally and figuratively.

Tomorrow I'll play the game called work.  I might get some good tips or I might miss my bus and be late AGAIN.  I'll end the night by leaving you this song about not letting people shape you, break you or snake you.